I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I didn't notice because vodka
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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