I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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