Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's shark week go big or go home
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
