i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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