girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
