I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have tasted many bathrooms
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
