Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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