I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
