Pappa wants mamma naked
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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