Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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