Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
