remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
