What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
