my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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