I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
