When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
