i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we're making bets on your personal life
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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