So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
