You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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