Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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