it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
