theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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