gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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