So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Four minutes until I can fart!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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