I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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