I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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