sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
