my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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