We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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