Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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