Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
