(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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