Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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