Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
