i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
