Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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