I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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