In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
