toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
people are starting to question the shark bite story
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i now understand why vodka
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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