This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
not ubering you a puppy
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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