I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
