If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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