I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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