In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
