well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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