After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
