I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
