His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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