she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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