I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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