i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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