im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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