Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
