I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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