Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
