i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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