I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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