i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
