listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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